I was rummaging around my room earlier this evening trying to find my wrist wallet as I keep most of my spare Euros in there. It had disappeared during the move and I wanted to lay my hands on it, to unite the change from my most recent trip with the rest of the stash I brought back from Berlin in April. Whilst turning several items upside-down and inside out, I came across one of my old diaries – not my first: the Dahl Diary from 1992 but the one when I stole a bunch of Chemistry exercise books from Mr Shorey’s class and began to keep notes.

I thought it’d be an exercise in humility/humiliation if I were to type up the first couple of entries as written down in my infantile scrawl; I’d like to think I’ve evolved just a little bit.

Wednesday 18th May

‘Why not start a diary today’ I thought to myself. I have already tried but forgot about my other one so here goes nothing. I’m sitting in German where Mr Jarvis is away. Mr Wood, the English teacher is taking the lesson. Just had double chemistry. I learnt [sic] one thing from it. Never use Ammonium Hydroxide with a cut finger. It hurts. I am still hobbling round after pulling both my calve [sic] muscles on Monday. At the moment, Harry is reading a book, Ruth M, Harriet D and Helen M are having a conversation about half term and Denham P is at the front laughing about something. We are going to go to see ‘Macbeth’ tonight.

When I saw we, I mean A set English, B set English and a few others. I have got a vague idea of what I will wear but no definite clue as yet. Wycombe Wanderers, my favourite football team, are playing the second leg of their play off. They are 2-0 up on away goals.

Well, that’s a brief intro:- Now to a joke:

What’s black, crispy and comes on a stick?
Joan of Arc.

That’s yer lot.

Thursday 19th May

Today has had its ups and downs. The ups is that hardly no teacher felt like doing work. In fact, it was only in French that we worked. The downers are that I got banned from dorm for being ‘cheeky’ although I was being sarcastic. Same hardly applies. Played Premier Manager II last night. Did pretty well.

Friday 20th May

Naked Gun 33 1/3 opens across all cinemas today. It is a must see. Doc Wilson talks briefly about Miss Shoesmith’s assembly. Being a good samaritan has been interrupting all my thoughts today. Just caught Wraggy having a read of this. Denham is in a good/bad mood today. Wilko hasn’t been bollocking him today but rumours have been going around about him at the bus stop with Emily. He doesn’t catch a bus!!!!!!!!

Monday 23rd May

Half term begins on Friday – can hardly wait. Smelly Elly and Jarvis boy off to Germany tomorrow and will be rid o them for the rest of the week. German today was a laugh. Denham tried to talk to the German assistant about himself but Shubby made him crack up all the time and he failed miserably. Eventually the whole class was laughing and couldn’t keep control. Since I was the best speaker, I was picked on, primarilly [sic] because I st next to him and I used the best words (Even the ones I made up were genuine).

Made £1 out of the first formers on hiring of the Amiga. Ollie N almost blew it for me until I told him to shut up. ANC the gay music teacher is sitting at the front of the classroom as I write, supervising prep. He keeps looking in a gay way at people. I advise chastity belts all round. Is it me or are most teachers mentally retarded? For weeks I have not been doing my French homework but does the teacher tell me off? No. I expected her to rip my head off and crap down my throat but she never. I’ll bet she’ll give me a bad comment thought.

Over the weekend I did nothing which explains the gap in the diary.

So there you go – that’s me almost twenty years ago. I’d like to think I’ve grown since then; others may disagree.